Do We Grieve?

I was emailed last night from a friend of a friend who is dealing with the loss of a child via ectopic and now face a road that will probably lead to IVF.  She wanted to know about whether or not I grieve the children we have lost.  This was a topic I wasn't sure if I would tackle as it has been so very private.  I have not let in even some of my closest friends/family. 

To answer the question, "Do We Grieve?", YES!  Do I think we have completely taken the time to grieve fully, no.  When I think about grief I think about the loss of my dear Gramps and the feeling of my heart just hurting, it still hurts even as I am typing this.  That is the same feeling that I get when I think about the loss of our babies and even our embryos through the process of IVF.  Yes, I grieve those embryos.  They are a part of my husband and I and a part of our hope for a baby.

There is just so much to grieve during this process. For me I had to grieve the obvious loss of our babies, but also the loss of the ability to get pregnant the traditional way and everything that meant.  This was very hard for me, loosing my tubes was horrible because I knew it meant that we would have to work so hard and give up so much to have a baby.  My husband and I began dating when I was 15 and he was 16 we always talked of having a big family.  We have so much love for each other that we have always known that our home would be full of children.  The even thought of never having a baby and having a healthy pregnancy hurts my heart.

There have definitely been people that do not understand that, which, is why at times I have kept things very private.  For some people the thought of grieving the babies we loss via ectopic made sense but why the embryos.  Personally, I just don't feel like I have to explain this to anyone, but I will explain it to you all, "my blog friends." :)  Those embryos were created with my eggs and my husband's sperm, they could have developed into our children.  Before the transfer you are given a picture of your embryos to take home with you.  My mom is so cute she calls them her Grand-embryos! 

I have unfortunately had to listen as quite a family members and quite a few dear friends, whom I consider family have told us that they are having problems conceiving.  Our hearts hurt so much for them because we knew what they were feeling.  With each of them I have said, "Remember to feel during this, be bitter, mad, sad, heart broken, whatever it takes so that you don't forget that this will mold the rest of your lives."

A friend of mine in the IVF world sent me this prayer after we loss our last baby.  I would like to share it with you.

Thank you, Lord, for all the blessing in my life.  Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertiliy.  I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands.  Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can.  Strengthen my body, mind and spirt to endure the trials of infertiliyt.  Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.

Am I at peace with all of this, no but I try to be as much as I can.  There are always the questions of why us, but I know that I have not been given anything that I cannot handle.  I look to the blessings in my life, I think about my niece Gabby who was born 3 months after we loss that last baby and I know she has been an angel here on Earth.  She has helped her Aunt Steffie to be ok.