This is a hard time in the 2 week wait, at least for me. I'm about 1/2 way there and I'm going crazy. Every twinge, cramp, headache, etc. makes me think I'm getting my period or that I could be pregnant. My husband is great he keeps telling me it's not over until it's over. Friends, I'm a little depressed today, well a lot, I just don't think it has worked. I, of course, want a sign that it has, I need to be puking, my boobs killing and crying all the time, then I would think it had worked.
I am still praying that I am wrong and that I, like I tend to do, am just thinking the worst but hoping for the best. This, is my way of guarding my heart. I am strong, I know that and everyone around me know that, but this is where I break. I have such a inner faith that I am meant to be a mom and it hurts me terribly that my husband and I are having to work this hard and have so much heartache to get there. My dear friend told me the other night, (and I mean no offense to moms that conceived naturally) "Stef, all of this just means that you will look at your own child in a way that no other mom could ever possibly. You and B have worked so hard and that makes the outcome that much sweeter." Thank you to my support group because these are those times when I just need you to hope for me.
I know too well what it would mean to never have a child of my own. My dear Aunt and Uncle, whom I love dearly never had any of their own. We have talked countless hours about my situation and our decision to put so much into this. I know it hurts them probably, as much as me, to see "their princess," go through the same heartache they went through all those years ago. They have been a huge part of my life, you have to wonder if they had any of their own if we would have been so close, I would like to think so but you just never know. I questioned this very early on, "If I was meant to only be an Aunt?"
I asked a good friend of mine who is also going through fertility treatments what she thought about that, she gave me the best response anyone could have ever, "Stef, you aren't just an Aunt. Do you see the way all the kids look at you and the way you and B give your life to making their's better. In life sometimes being "mom-like," doesn't always mean being someones mom it means opening your loving home, your heart and giving all your love to them. Plus you will be an amazing mom and your will always be an incredible aunt." I totally loved the end of the conversation, "Wish we could cry over some Chardonnay but I still fully believe your pregnant, so deal with it."
Love it!!
My thoughts and prayers today are simply reminders of the wonderful people and things in my life and that I stay strong and hold on to the fact that I still could be pregnant. Also, to quit letting my nervousness and fear of another heartbreak stop me from being positive. I ask for some extra prayers today, it's just one of those days.
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